Oh, man! Break your heart . . . and/or make you pursue a higher goal

I dragged the scroll bar forward about 10 seconds every 2 seconds of watching; I can read the cards faster than she flips them. But . . . oh! What a message!

Tears in my eyes.

May I never be so cruel.

Video. (Sorry. No tool to embed it.)

And a link to her website: About Lizzie: Be Beautiful, Be You.

Taking Inventory of Your Life

A post I just posted over on Strategic Inheritance: Taking Inventory of Your Life.

I thought it worthy of noting here on my personal blog.

A woman I admire highly

Yep. I admire Sarita highly. Highly. She's my wife. "The wife of my youth."

This post has to do with her ability to set goals for herself. To set goals and stick to them. To set "boundaries" for her life in ways I have never yet succeeded.

Setting Boundaries of Time

This has always fascinated me. She gets to a point in her day and she says, "I'm done."

• "I'm done working."


• "I'm done reading."


• "I'm done . . . whatever."

And she just stops!

I don't tend to operate that way. I find it very hard to stop whatever I'm doing. To "turn it off."

I want to keep going.

But I don't. Not really. I want to stop. But another part of me says, "No! You have to keep going!"

I've learned--partially with the help of Sarita (she was raised this way; I was not; but I discovered the principle at the very front end of my Freshman year in college when I read a book called Ten Great Freedoms; and I had acquired the discipline)-- . . . I have learned to take a Sabbath, a rest day. And that has provided at least one kind of boundary for me when it comes to time.

But it's this daily boundary issue that has me flamboozled.

And I admire Sarita for setting and keeping daily time boundaries.

*******

Another area:

Spending Time with the Grandkids

Sarita and I were talking last week about how she came to enjoy our grandkids so much. For some reason I had never become aware of the truth of the situation before.

When our daughter first mentioned she was pregnant with her first child, Sarita's initial response was not joyful. --I have always remembered that.

I was modestly happy. Sarita was moderately dismayed: "I'm too young to be a grandmother! . . . "

With that memory firmly in my mind, I was shocked, then, a year or two later, not when Jadon was born, but . . . I don't know . . . maybe six months or so after he was born . . . --I was shocked when Amy and her husband Phil and Jadon came to visit, and Sarita seemed almost to shriek with apparent glee at their arrival and the wonder of Jadon's appearance.

This wasn't the same woman who had seemed to bemoan the fist announcement of Jadon's approaching birth.

What happened in between?

I hadn't heard the story--not truly, with understanding-- . . .until last week.

"I was talking with Jan (a woman from our church)," Sarita told me. "I asked her what she did during the week.

"'Oh,' she said, 'I work at my job a couple of days a week, but then the other days I get to spend with my grandkids!' --And she said that excitedly, as if it were some kind of privilege or something: she gets to spend the time with her grandkids.

"I couldn't understand that. That wasn't the way I was raised. I didn't have those tapes running in my mind.

"My mom told me, when I was pregnant with Amy, that she had done her work when raising [my siblings and I]. She wasn't going to be available to babysit. She was done."

So grandma never did take our kids. When the kids were born, no grandmas (on either side--mine or Sarita's) . . . No grandmas ever appeared to "help out."

The "tapes" that Sarita had playing in her mind said that grandkids are a burden. You leave them alone. You've done your work when you've gotten your own kids out of the house.

"But when Jan said that she got to spend time with her grandkids, it made me have to rethink my paradigm. Could grandkids be a joy? Could I enjoy spending time with them?

"I told Amy about my conversation with Jan and said I wanted to try it. I wasn't sure if I could handle it. But I wanted to try."

And I will confess with Sarita that "It has worked out great!"

Sarita loves spending time with the grandkids.

She is absolutely exhausted when they leave at the end of their visits. But she loves having them around.

. . . And I am challenged to consider--or reconsider--how I ought to be operating. Can I--am I willing to--"come out of myself" enough to spend significant time with them . . . especially when they are young? . . .

Wants #3: Family

Tougher and tougher!

Once more: McCarthy's list of eight areas of "wants":

• Physical/Health/Recreation
• Finance/Material Possessions
• Family
• Vocation/Career
• Social/Community
• Spiritual
• Mental/Intellectual
• Other

So I'm up to "Family."

I love my wife. As I identify myself here, I'm the "husband to the wife of my youth" . . . which is a direct reference to Proverbs 5:18b, but, by implication, to the section from Proverbs 5:15-20:

Drink water from your own cistern,
running water from your own well.
Should your springs overflow in the streets,
your streams of water in the public squares?
Let them be yours alone,
never to be shared with strangers.
May your fountain be blessed,
and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.
A loving doe, a graceful deer--
may her breasts satisfy you always,
may you ever be captivated by her love.
Why be captivated, my son, by an adulteress?
Why embrace the bosom of another man's wife?

Family Goals

• I want to remain faithful to my wife above all else, when it comes to "Family." Though maybe faithful isn't even the right word. I want to love her . . . I think, to use a term from Scripture: "As Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her . . ." (Ephesians 5:25-26). --I'm afraid that may be a bit more "pie in the sky" than I want: I am sure I fail at it far too often. But that's my desire. That's what I want. . . .
  
  As I said back in Love Languages: The Gift of Gift-Giving . . . and Receiving:
  

  Closeness . . . means--and has always meant--[such] a great deal to me that [I permitted] no one--no one, not even any of our kids, even when they were exceptionally young-- . . . "get between" Sarita and me. If we were sitting in church: no one sat between us. Ever. It was simply understood. The symbolism was too great, too meaningful.

So that's #1.

After that, . . .

• I want to pass on a legacy of wisdom to my kids and grandkids. I'm not exactly sure what that means in practice. I think it includes thoughtfulness, and a desire for graciousness in speech and conduct. . . . And if and when we fail (which, I am afraid, we will all do far more often than we would prefer) . . . then I want them to be quick to seek forgiveness and reconciliation with the person(s) they have offended: to be "made right." That is a heart desire.

This one is really tough. I find myself torn, torn, torn on it.

On the one side:

• I don't want to be a "Cat's in the Cradle" dad:

  My child arrived just the other day
  He came to the world in the usual way
  But there were planes to catch and bills to pay.
  He learned to walk while I was away
  And he was talkin' 'fore I knew it, and as he grew
  He'd say, "I'm gonna be like you, Dad.
  You know I'm gonna be like you."
  
  And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
  Little boy blue and the man on the moon.
  "When you comin' home, Dad?"
  "I don't know when. But we'll get together then, son.
  You know we'll have a good time then."
  
  My son turned ten just the other day.
  He said, "Thanks for the ball, Dad. Come on, let's play.
  Can you teach me to throw?" I said, "Not today.
  I got a lot to do." He said, "That's ok."
  And he walked away, and his smile never dimmed.
  He said, "I'm gonna be like him, yeah.
  You know I'm gonna be like him. . . ."

  --Harry Chapin

My eyes tear up just writing those words!

I so much wish I could have had a closer relationship with my own dad. . . .

So: I want not to have a Harry Chapin-esque "Cat's in the Cradle" kind of relationship with my kids and grandkids.

But yet, at the same time, I have to confess, I have to fight my . . .

• humongously strong desire for . . . time to be by myself; time to think; time to . . . just "be."
  
  And I have never been "good" at--and



• I have no desire for--"chit chat" kinds of conversation.
  
  I endure it. I can "even"--when I'm really deliberate about it-- . . . I can "even" permit myself to enjoy light conversation: just "let it flow." But I will never seek it out. I will seek human company. And for the sake of such company, I will enjoy the camaraderie of light banter and "shooting the breeze." But if the conversation turns deep, if it turns "fierce": then I feel I'm truly in my element. . . .
  
  So that "reality" means
  
  
  • I find myself pretty shredded when my kids or grandkids are over.
    
    
  • I want to spend time with them, but
    
    
  • I don't "just" want light time, and
    
    
  • I don't want to force heavy time, and
    
    
  • I know I can't expect to enjoy the heavy times if I'm not "there" for them during the light banter times when, in the midst of such conversation the heavier topics will almost inevitably make themselves felt and known. . . .
  
  So I often find myself "apart" from the family, kind of "doing my thing," yet feeling drawn to--guilty, even, because I'm not involved in--their conversations.
  
  I guess I'm a kind of "double-minded" man at that point. . . .
  
  [Strange: This seems to be a pattern in our growing extended family. While the women watch the little ones (the grandkids) and enjoy fellowship one with another, the adult men in the family (other than me) seem to sneak off and play video games or watch movies together. I sit in my office, often at my computer, and do this kind of stuff--like writing blog posts. I don't join either group. Because I think video games are pretty stupid, and I don't enjoy "chit chat."
  
  But if the women decide to go for a walk or something, then I love to join them.]
  
  Weird.

Well. Back to wants.

Y'know? I can't really think of any more "wants" right now. I'm afraid this is as far as I'm going to be able to take this right now.

But as I said before: this is a start. And a start is better than no start at all.

So I'll quit now. . . .

Wants #2: Finances/Material Possessions

So I'm continuing to think about my "wants."

McCarthy's list of eight areas:

• Physical/Health/Recreation


• Finance/Material Possessions


• Family
• Vocation/Career


• Social/Community


• Spiritual


• Mental/Intellectual


• Other

I've been able to get rather specific in the area of Physical/Health/Recreation. I find it tougher to define wants in the other areas.

But let me try.

Finance/Material Possessions

First round. (Don't get bogged down in attempting to define a final, "perfect" list, John!)

• I want to have enough to live modestly.
  
  Some negatives:
  
  
  • I want not to live "above my means."
  
  
  • I want not to "live rich"; I want to cap my consumption . . . so that I might have something to share with others.
  
  This matter of having something to share, of course, also depends on my next want:


• I want to earn enough that I might have an abundance out of which I can give. (Ephesians 4:28: "Let him who steals, steal no longer. Rather, let him work . . . that he may have something to share with those in need.")


• I want to live wisely with what I have so that I can fulfill the "good" spoken of in Micah 6:8: "to do justice, to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God."


• I want to conduct my affairs in such a manner that I do not hurt others . . .


• That I pay my bills on time at the latest.


• That, if or when I borrow, I do so, if at all possible, while possessing assets with which I could pay back the loan immediately. --Actually, this has a dual purpose. Not only does it protect my lender from possible default, but it protects me from engaging in the kind of loan into which the truly desperate--the profoundly poor--enter and, thus, become servants or slaves (Proverbs 22:7). [NOTE: Yes, I am convinced there are different types of loans and different forms of borrowing and some are wicked and some are wise. But that belongs somewhere else.]

The following is a tough one. I am having to overcome very strong "habits of mind" instilled in me from when I was very young:

• To live generously, not stingily. I find this showing up in such areas as


• Tips . . . to waiters and waitresses, cab drivers, porters, etc., etc. --I really struggle with this kind of stuff!


• "Picking up the tab" when I'm with someone. --It is so easy to "let the other person do it."


• Providing really nice food . . . at a potluck, say, or . . . whenever.


• When I give, to give wisely and purposefully. Not to be controlled by foolish sentimentality. . . .

First round. . . . To be continued.

Personal Wants

So I've been thinking about my "wants" as per Kevin McCarthy's urging in The On-Purpose Person.

I'm astonished at the results of my thinking.

First, out of the eight categories, I find myself "clear" in only one area: "Physical/Health/Recreation." And, really, only in the Physical/Health category.

I don't think much about physical recreation. I don't do physical recreation. At least not much. I enjoy going on walks with Sarita and riding our Greenspeed recumbent tandem trike. But we do that. We (or, should I say I?) don't want that in any yearning sense of the term. We just do it whenever the feeling strikes. . . .

But the second thing: Why am I unembarrassed to acknowledge my "wants" in the physical area, but in almost every other area of my life I am a bit embarrassed to acknowledge "wants"--as it's "unspiritual" or something, to "want." ("After all, aren't we supposed to be content with what we have . . . be open to wherever God leads . . . ?" --Philippians 4:11-12; 1 Timothey 6:6-8; etc.)

Third: . . . I'm not sure what is third.

I wonder to myself: Is it my wants that are so important? Shouldn't I be more concerned about what God wants? (Well, yes.) But, then . . . --Maybe I could (and should) say that my wants are along the lines of "whatever God wants"? . . . But that kind of answer permits me too much flexibility and open-endedness: I have no clear goal(s) to pursue. . . .

*****

Very incomplete lists, but I thought I would begin. Just get a few thoughts out "on paper," as it were. . . .

Physical/Health/Recreation

• Maintain my current weight.
• [Secret desires; my doctor and I really question their legitimacy; but . . . !!!]:
• Lose the five pounds necessary in order to meet the "official" value, at my height, of being non-"overweight."
• Lose 10 to 15 pounds in order to be more truly "skinny" the way I used to be.
• Maintain my current physical fitness levels.
• Use the ROM/QuickGym six times a week--three times upper body, three times lower body--whenever I'm home and not deathly ill.
• Maintain my sexual potency.
• Maintain and/or improve physical appearance:
• Get my teeth straightened.
• Do something about the bags becoming more and more prominent under my eyes. . . .

Finance/Material Possessions

Family

Vocation/Career

Social/Community

Spiritual

Mental/Intellectual

Other

Vision for a Personal Legacy: Introduction

What I want to write here actually comes as a result of discussions with Sarita that have followed our Mission India meeting, reading Alan Gotthardt's The Eternity Portfolio, Ron Blue's Splitting Heirs: Giving Your Money and Things to Your children Without Ruining Their Lives, talking with our CPA and estate planning attorney, our primary investment advisor, and a "Legacy Planner."

In our business, we have written Values, Vision, Mission, Goal, Strategy and Tactic statements. But in our personal lives, we have never done such a thing. So what are our values, vision, mission, etc., when it comes to what God has placed in our hands? We finally began talking about it last night.

—Details to follow . . .